We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
