He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
