so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I smell stomach acid.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
