everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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