I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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