Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
