her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
