seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
