Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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