So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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