I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
