Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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