I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
