new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
