Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
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