you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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