I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
