What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
