i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
