I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
