You're so nebulous sometimes
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
