hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
