I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
