I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
