I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
