Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
