Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
