You can't motorboat a personality
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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