Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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