Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
