I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
