areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
