nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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