i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
