My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
