Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
they're like a gay fantastic four
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
