The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
