dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
