yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
