I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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