Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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