Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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