I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
