hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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