Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
