I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Let's get the cat blown out
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
