i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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