now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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