i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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