Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
