I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
